I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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