When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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