Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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