Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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