tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
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