Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Randomize
