Why are handjobs necessary in class?
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
this is an emotional support booty call
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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