I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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