You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize