i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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