hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
