Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
cat food counts as protein by the way
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Randomize
