Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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