I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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