Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
the liver wants what the liver wants
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
