12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
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