I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
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