I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
