he wants to bone in the snuggie
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Randomize
