You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
