I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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