Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
