I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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