He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
