On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
