I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
