note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
