You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
