my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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