we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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