So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
