i'm signing you up for texting rehab
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize