I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
