Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
