and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
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