I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
