Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize