Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
