I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
