did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
