If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
