Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Randomize
