yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
