I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
