life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
