he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
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