If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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