No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
