The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
