he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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