I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
