Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
