The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Sober January is a disaster.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
