good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
